The Peter Fitzsimons Chronicles - the interview

Peter Fitzsimons - The Interview

Ah, Hi Peter, you certainly are a hard man to get hold of?
That’s what the wife says Hornet. You know my nick name in France was “baguette de pain rassis.”

Is that French?
Yes, I just said that. it means the Stale Baguette. It’s because after a few days over there they found I went hard.

OK, I’m sure that’s what it meant. Did the baguette come with cheese?
Of course not, I was cheese free in France. I’ve never been into dairy really. Growing up on an orange farm, we pretty much had orange juice to replace milk. Dad even made us have orange juice on our oranges for breakfast.

That’s right; you grew up on an orchard in Peats Ridge. What was it like for you to grow up knowing you had a ridge named after you?
Firstly it was an orange farm, it was hard, I started working on it when I was 5, dad made me get a real job when I was 12 at the servo as I was picking 2 and eating one. Also Contrary to what people think Peats ridge wasn’t named after me. My name was actually Patrick but Dad changed it because of the jokes that the boys would say to me at school.

Really, what were they?
I’d rather not say. Old demons.

Come on let me know?
You know the old joke about Patrick Fitzsimons and Simon Fitzpatricks. The one about the two gay Irishmen. Back then people didn’t realise and they probably still don’t that the name Fitzsimons is a proud one and originates from the Strongbow invasion. It’s patronymic. And the Fitz means son of.

I see. Is that why Mike Carlton didn’t take to you straight away, being related to Strongbow?
No, the reason Mike Carlton didn’t take to me is because he was probably worried that I was a little more articulate than him. You’d have to ask him but we had a good relationship in the end. Alan Jones was flogging us though. Sure he bragged about it, but it’s not the first time he’s bragged about flogging two men. But hey, I live my life and do what makes me happy, don’t know if he totally does.

Sure. Getting back to your Childhood, you attended Knox Grammar. What was it like?
Like most people that went there I am gracious to my family for working so hard to get me there. I had worked a t a petrol station since I was 12 so I paid for my books. It was surprising though to see when I got there that they fed the boys a lot of oranges, so it was just like home.

Later on in Life you went on to represent Australia in test match Rugby. Was Rugby what you lived for?
Ironically the teachers at Knox had instilled in me that this had better be my focus. I was in the dramatic society but the only thing dramatic about me was that I was over six foot, hairy on my face and already thinning on the top. Some teachers even said I couldn’t write, however, the letters I wrote to my mother, to tell her I missed her, where the inspiration that started me on my journey to get to where I am today. I didn’t really live for it, however I am proud that I could have gone toe to toe with 15 all blacks with the referee sending me off citing my play as “too dangerous.” I’d love to play with the pussies that play these days.

Pussies? Who would you consider being a pussy in World Rugby today?
The entire South African team is one. They may be big, but they are simply bullies. You can’t run without a head. Rocky Elsom, is one. Anyone with a name Rocky better know how to shape up to me. The English front row. Why they harp on about their scrum is a mystery to me. I would’ve come up through the middle and unleased on the pasty white bastards. Oh yeah and that big tall prick from France with the beard that looks like a mountain goat, Chabon. I’d rip his hair out and use it as a wig.

So you see being sent by a referee against the All blacks as good?
Yes I do. John Eales had a good send off to an all blacks match too. He retired. Fancy a lock kicking the ball.

I can see you still have a bit of a passion for the game then?
Not really no. It took me around the world, and gave me an outlook on other cultures, however writing is my passion. I think in prose, I dream in prose, I even make love to prose.

Can you talk to me about your next project?
Of course I can. It’s a situation comedy about a Rugby club called “Jesus Can’t Play Rugby.”It’s based on the famous Rugby Song. Its focus’ is on modern day amateur club Rugby and the trials and tribulations which they encounter. They are in the middle of being forced to turn professional by the governing board, they haven’t won a comp in 30 years so they enlist the help of an Argentinean named ‘Jesus,’ to come and play for them. For the uneducated in Spanish Jesus is pronounced “hey Zeus.” It’s pretty piss funny, the whole script is funny as shit.

I can see you’re excited. I guess that’s your plug so I guess that’s time to wrap things up. Thanks very much Peter, It’s been a pleasure.
Maybe we could catch up again?

Maybe.
Promise?

Put Your pinky down, I promise.

The Peter Fitzsimons Chronicles part 1.

Finding Peter. Part 1

The Green Hornet has continuously tried to defend himself from his critics claiming that he relies on the same old jokes. These pundits are rivals who I would normally disregard. The other 'rivals' out there don't even come close to my top 100. My top 3 rivals are Peter Fitzsimons, Reporter and Author. James Gardner, Newcastle Herald Patriarch and Batman.

Rivalry, in my case, is born from jealousy. It is part of my genetic make up to be green, much like it is part of a twenty dollar whores make up to be tacky. It is rare that two great rivals ever get to meet, let alone work together. Peter Fitzsimons is one rival which has afforded me the time to get an insight on his success.

As I found out It wasn’t just a case of calling him though.Trying to get to Peter was a task in itself. His manager John Fordham, a Merewether Carlton old boy, looked like the obvious link. When the Hornet approached Mr. Fordham initially, the receptionist from his office informed me John was, “Out to Lunch with Mr. Laws.” It was 9:15am. The next morning I a little earlier at 8:15am. “Haven’t you seen the daily telegraph?”

Aghast I told the young lady “No, I only read broadsheet.” The Hornet didn’t read tabloids? Keeping this thought to myself, I went out to the local Newsagent. Keeping my sunglasses and hat on, I paid the lady. It was in loose change. I didn’t want to waste my gold ones for a third rate paper that would make even battered fish taste bad. “Ricky Stewart spits dummy at passing child. Fordham cleans up mess.” This Mr. Fordham was a tricky man to catch. The Merewether Carlton old boys’ network was not working. I would have to try another old boys club.

Walking into Knox Grammar was a little daunting. I was dressed, disguised actually, as Hugh Jackman. Hugh was a former old boy of the school. My time as a yardman at Oxford had trained me well for the pomp and circumstance which was to be expected at such an exclusive school. The old man at the front desk of the old boys club merely nodded at me. He was well tailored. He then blinked five times at me in an exaggerated fashion. This was obviously the secret blink. I obligingly blinked back in the code that held the Knox boys together as one. Dressed as Hugh, I was just another old boy. Better looking than most of the old boys, but an old boy all the same. He took me down to meet John Cotti.

We exchanged the usual pleasantries and did the secret handshake, which was similar to that of the freemasons. “John, I need some help.”

“Of course, anything for you Hugh.” He stared straight at me.

“I have a new play coming up, and I’d like to use Peter Fitzsimons in it.” Bewilderment crossed his face. I had never seen a man look as confused as this since Godwin Grech had been told he had to be committed. “I need his contact details.”

“Are you sure?” I couldn’t understand what was wrong with my request. “From all reports he was a fine speaker but his drama teachers have written that he had absolutely no talent at all for acting. Once again Mr Jackman - Are you quite sure?”

“Sure, of course I’m sure. Apparently he was no good at English either. Look at him now.” There it was. No sooner had I spoken these words, the number was written down on a Knox letterhead, with a Knox pen, by a Knox old boy. Yes, I stole the pen on my way out.

Introducing myself to Peter Fitzsimons was my next challenge. It seemed he had become a little deaf after all those years packing scrums. With the repetitions of “Who? Who are you? Who is this?” Being spoken to me down the other end of the line it was obvious Peter couldn’t hear who I was. My next action was to email Peter.

Within hours of electronically sending my introductory letter, Peter replied. It was a little confusing for me to understand his short hand. It was the line “We’ll meet at Sydney, Grammar is hopeless, needs fixing, work on It.” That had me stumped. Did Fitzsimons think I needed work and he was getting me a job at Sydney Grammar? I sent back an email querying his motives to meet me. He confirmed in no uncertain terms that I was a bloody idiot. I told him that he was the one that was putting commas in the wrong place and his teachers at Knox were indeed right. We agreed that in fact he was correct and that I was in fact privileged to be interviewing him.

So here we are. Or here I am sitting in a swanky cafe in Sydney. Peter is running late. I guess that goes with being a stay at home dad. As he pulls up he looks rather bullish, he pulls the chair out like he was pulling a guy off in a ruck. He lays down the law for the interview. “Right, no Bullshit. Straight questions, and publish it in question and answer format. Oh and I’m allowed one plug at the end of the interview. Begin.” I guess this signalled the start of the Green Hornets interview with my rival Peter Fitzsimons.

Wayne Baggs - A guide to finishing second.

The Green Hornet has had the pleasure of catching up with perennial second place getter Wayne Baggs. While having coached the University team to a swathe of second places, Baggs has never actually won anything, and has definitely taken the Merewether Carlton attitude of the late nineties to early on in the millennium over to Callaghan. Mediocrity is a key ingredient to the formula Baggs laid down to me before taking a one week sabbatical to go fishing.

Some around Merewether and University say it is a case of Baggs not being able to face his demons. Baggs told the hornet that around this time each year he gets a problem with tapeworm. Instead of killing the nasty things off, He lures them out of an orifice with a piece of meat, to use as bait. Apparently the Barra love them.

Mr Second Place, what is the first thing to do when you want a team to be coached to second?Hornet, you have to look at what the second thing to do to come second is. Theres no point looking at the first thing, it needs to be disregarded. All the focus must be on second.

What do you do then, when you have a team that wants to come first? Easy, pick a team of under achievers, of guys who want to come second.

I see. How do you gauge a players ability to come second? Its pretty easy over here at University. We probably have the thickest team in the competition now that Easts are out. All the smart guys going to uni actually play for other clubs, they are real winners. The guys here that attend uni really don't want to work. That shows to me they have a lack of motivation and a lack of a will to win. So I will always pick a non worker over a working student.

Yeah right, What about other players, that do actually work but play for you? A couple of good examples is young Wynny, hes a failed politician. He couldn't cut it so hes nearly always first picked.

you guys have had a couple of good wins against the top sides this year. Does this worry you at all that you may not come second or lower? Firstly, the goal is always second never lower, were always disappointed with 3rd or 4th. Secondly, I'm not to worried about the wins against Carlton or Hamilton. I've put in a couple of contingencies to combat those wins by bringing Todd Mcdean over. Waratah has a really bad culture at the moment and Mcdean is a player on a big downhill slope, so I got him over. I've always seen him as overrated as have most astute judges in the comp. Its working quite well, TmcD has had a positively negative influence on the side. Second place is still the goal.

Do you aim to come second in the minor premiership, if you do, you've missed that one? no, not really, its secondary to the major premiership so I'm happy with 4th.

Is this one of the hardest years to come second? Definitely. With Wanderers, Hamilton and Carlton all in front of us, it will be a massive effort to make the Grand Final and lose by at least 20.

Do you think each team has any passengers and if so would you like to poach any of them for your side? Not so much passengers but I would like to see kevil in my team. He's bonkers and probably would cost us a grand final. O'brien from Hamilton would be another I would like to see play next to TmcD. It would be good to see them walking around the field side by side. Any one of the Delores could play for us. They have a good reputation but are really, really average. Possibly Adam Perkins, hes won a few Anderson medals, but he has been a standout in an under performing team for the last 5-8 years. If he proved he was good enough I'd have to drop him to seconds. Oh and I saw Blake Creighton miss a goal on full time the other week against Hamilton, I'd like to have him kicking for me in the GF no questions about that.

Finally, What is your game plan, you're down by 2 with 5 minutes to go. Your team gets a penalty 30 out in front of the sticks? Easy, I tell Dave Kennedy to kick the goal. I'm assuming he will kick it, which puts us up by one. I then dance around like we've won the thing, which is funny to see as i look like Gimley from the lord of the rings when I get excited, then I make wholesale changes with our colts - not our second graders in key positions. I know these kids are definitely not up to the task and they would have already been knocked out the previous week. The opposition team sees this and runs a few big men at them. They make ground and score on the bell. I throw my clipboard down in utter disgust, waving my hands around, then consoling the boys when the whistle blows. Its quite easy really.

What do you say to James Gardiner when he gets the exclusive after game report? I never put blame on myself or my coaching. I'll probably blame the fact that the mid semester break is coming up and the boys weren't totally focused. Personally though I'd rather speak to Goffet.

Thanks Coach Baggs, Its been a real pleasure talking to Mr. Second Place.

Hornet Exclusive: Have Easts got major support?

The green hornet has been busy on the weekend. Being privy to many social circles I have learnt that former NHRU club Eastern Districts will have a major advantage in regaining entry into the competition next year. The club, who were ingloriously rubbed out of the competition is hoping to find the support of a big player in the local sporting scene.

According to extremely good sources on both sides of this union, Easts will be merging with phoenix sports to create a super club. Rugby Union is the only piece missing in the jigsaw for the West Leagues Group. Sources close to Eastern Districts say they are unperturbed by the fact that they will be owned and managed by Wests and will not change their name to the East West district phoenix's. The phoenix, coincidentally will remain the emblem of the team.

The club who is owned by Wests Leagues, an organisation who have been buying premierships since the 50's will be transparent in the fact they will be paying players to compete in the competition. An unnamed source is quoted as saying "We know many clubs in the NHRU have participated in under the table payments for quite a few years, clubs like Waratah, Wanderers, Hamilton and even the club we are looking to merge with Easts. However, Rugby is professional now and we want to make a commitment to make the game elite in the area."

If the merger eventuates, Easts may be forced to play against themselves in a midweek sevens competition because there is still no guarantee that they will regain entry into the NHRU competition. A club official has said, "If that is the case we will be running a Wednesday night seven a side competition. all clubs except Wanderers will be invited to enter a team. There will be a strict criteria which is impossible for all to meet. Unlike the board we will see fit to make some leniency to these stipulations. We believe everyone needs a fair go. Even if they have proven to be grubs in the past."

The Easts board are also quite impressed with the facilities at the phoenix sports club and will no doubt be impressed by the fact that they will be bringing back the all you can eat buffet. A move which will surely lure back Trent Considine form the Greens and Des Tufi from Lake Macquarie. All eyes will now be waiting to see if this merger does eventuate and Easts get back into the competition.