Fortress Townsend - The secret scripts.

There have been rumours from both camps this week. Rumours that the green hornet has provided motivation for the blue bells of Sherwood forest to come out firing. That the greens don't appreciate my comments and are secretly afraid of the fuel my exclusive interview with Danny B will add to a Wanderers team who have had a week off. Hahaha. If this is what the Wanderers need for motivation they are definitely hard up(not just from Beckett humming in the dressing room). A little tiny green hornet, giving them something to fire up on the biggest match of their careers? Please, if this is all they have come to play for, to rub it in the face of the hornet, they may as well not turn up. They can blame me all they want but it won't take away the fact they will be coming to the fortress that is townson at Townsend. A ground they haven't won at in four years.

Likewise, if Merewether Carlton believe in these threats of retribution they may as well get straight to Jason Toby's Cougar party. It is time for these boys to become men and stop being sissy's. "Boo hoo, Tony, waahh Tony, the green hornet is stirring it up." Grow up. there is nothing better than playing Wanderers at home with Green corner on the horizon 7 points up, with five to go ,and holding on to a tough win, knowing Monky Davis will be serving beers to a losing side, post match. No, don't blame the hornet if things come unstuck, it is your destiny, your luck, and only hard grafting work will get this job done. Nothing the hornet writes will motivate the other team to beat you. You kids who will become men must motivate yourselves.

With this out of the way, I have delved deep into the history of Merewether, and Townson itself to find some century old script, that was hidden behind the wall, in the old dressing room on top of the Green Room. The script is now parched, but along with ex coach Steve Gall, who I believe invented Christianity, helped me decipher the five powers of Townson oval.

1. Townson Oval - The Naming.
Townson oval was originally called Fortress Towns End . The scripts show that the devil once claimed ownership and it was were all Towns ended. This can be roughly translated into Townsend meaning Hell. The name was changed in the early 20th century to Townson as the overlords of the area wished not to tell of its power to those who dared to venture. They lured 15 local french settlers here to kill them, slay them if you will. To this day, coming to Townson for opposing teams is a scary prospect. Hellish.Especially for those who speak French. I'm guessing most of the private school attending blue bloods speak a second language.

2. The Green Room - The chamber
Built on the bodies of the slain Frenchmen, the building has two purposes. The first is the hypnotic effect it has to those who get ready for battle in its underbelly. "The spirits of the dead enter the bodies of those who become naked in its sanctum."read the scrolls. It gives those who fight focus, pride and an unbridled will to get out there and exact revenge on those who challenge them. The evilness of the ground has possessed their spirit. Their spirits will hold those who try to pass at bay. This is translated into modern terms that no one gets passed their defence. I think the Wanderers have scored about 40 points in 4 years at the ground. This is why the breakdown is so good at home. This is why tries flow. This is why teams walk away, hearts ripped from their chests.

3. The Green Room - The Tavern
Those that surround the green room, and its amenities know that the hellish and demonic ways it turns the supporters. This is put down to the fact that it creates a mob mentality, by being built on these ancient burial grounds. Look out if you are coming toward 1000 green shirts attacking, the heckling alone will make you look up. Look out if you are defending because you are sure to look back. No matter how hard you try to shut them out they will be with you all the time you are out there, waiting for you to slip up. ready to pounce. So Blue on Blues, just know that the crowd will be baying for you to slip up. One slip up at Townson and you will regret it.

4. The Pitch
The scripts say this is where the devil himself sat to look over his kingdom. This is why the grass never grows. The scripts say that "those who step in front of him, shall become meager in front of all of them." The script also reads, "His soul still lives on the ground on this pitch, cursing those who don't belong." As far as I was aware, Wanderers don't have a suburb, so they don't belong. Unfortunately, this means that coming to Townson as the modern day Frenchies. As soon as they hit the pitch they will be more worried about losing than trying to win.

5. The Devils Mistress
"Each passing in time, He, finds a woman of pure blood and makes her his mistress. Along with a Man servant, they will do the will of Him and protect the fortress at Towns End." This line is the most significant part in all the scripts. The protector of the Lair, Chris Neader, runs such a tight ship with her man servant Dennis, that since her tenure, it has seen Carlton rise and rise to prominence. Nothing goes untouched and her planning is meticulous. It has become her fort and I challenge anyone from the other side of town to get in her way.

Read into this what you will. All the hornet knows is he is definitely not at fault for games being won or lost. The game is there for Carlton to protect the hellish fortress that is Towns end, rather, Townson oval. Wanderers will be coming here, looking over their shoulder. Merewether should not take the home advantage for granted. It should be a good day culminating in a good battle. Take ownership.

Feel free to leave comments on who you believe will win tomorrow. Personally, I think Carlton will and Maitland will play us in the Grand Final. GH

The Finals. Exclusive interview with Danny Beckett

Over the years, there have been plenty of imitators in the rugby coaching ranks. They say that mimicry, is the highest form of flattery. This brings us to one Daniel C. Beckett. A kid from Kotara, who learnt his craft playing 3rd grade at Hamilton, but then defected to Wanderers to have a good crack at 4th grade. He now finds himself as first grade coach to the minor premiers. The Hornet took the time out to interview Mr. Beckett, after extensive research. We delve into the life and times of Beckett, to see if we can put an end to the rumours, that he has actually based his whole life on his own Australian Idol, Aaron Thompson.

Coach Beckett, Can you explain the reason you have a striking similarity to Aaron Thompson?
Quite simple Hornet, he is actually my twin brother. We, as a family, gave him up for adoption when he was five as Dad couldn't stand his crying and his incessant whinging. Having got to know him as an adult I do see where he was coming from now.

This must have left quite a void in your life?
Not really. It meant I was then the favourite, I got to play 3rd grade for Hamilton at halfback. By the time I was 10 I had completely forgotten about his existence.

Why did you then follow him over to Wanderers?
It was around '05 and Aaron actually had a game of third grade. I ran out onto the field. At the coin toss it was like looking into tinted glass.

You mean a mirror?
No tinted glass. I have an eye problem, that's why I have never really been able to hit my no. 10.
Anyway, I won the toss and immediately Aaron started whinging. It was then all the memories came back. He asked me to join him after the game. At first I was a little hesitant, as I thought to be a Wandereer was to be a proud member of a part of the community I was ashamed of.

Gee, are you anti gay?
No, no, I meant lawyers, doctors and businessmen. At Hamilton we were good catholics, so of course I wouldn't think that way. The catholic church accepts everyone.

Aaron went on to win a first grade premiership as a player, was this something that inspired you?
Everything Aaron does inspires me. To lose his family, and then, get it back. He is my hero. I proudly played fourth grade for Wanderers after that, watching Azza play in the top grade. He knows his footy and I would be a liar to admit any differently. I model my walk on him, the way I speak, and now I have become quite arrogant too. I have developed into a good first grade coach and I pick my players who have the same attitude to Aaron and I.

Very good. Is this why you think Monty Symes is such a good asset on your wing?
Monty's ability to chuck a tantrum is probably second to only Aaron himself. I dropped him a few weeks ago because his complaining became almost non existent. After scoring in Seconds the other day and proclaiming to the whole crowd he was ready for 1's again. He should be there come grand final day.

So the Grand Final is your goal?That's pretty impressive after only one year of coaching.
I did coach with Eddie Jones' cousin last year, everyone forgets. Stevie Lee is a wonderful man. Yes, the Grand Final is my goal, its Aaron's as well. There is nobody that can beat the blue on blues this year. We are really behind each other to get through this.

Are you afraid of the rumours that Aaron will turn his hand to coaching next year if you fail?
I haven't heard those rumours. I don't think Aaron would do that to me. He has made me look so professional from behind the scenes with ideas such as 'the brick,' bringing the merry Sherwood boys into the team, tongue kissing before training, the list goes on. No Aaron wouldn't do that.

You mean Tongue Lashings?
No I mean kissing. Well, Aaron didn't really bring it in, he just reinvented an old tradition. Rob Aston, initially refused, but now he's getting into all the boys. He's a man possessed, when it comes to sharing that big butchers tongue of his. Its got all the club excited. That's why we have so many of the older guys back in second grade. Its even carried over to the recovery and sauna sessions we hold.

We may have to wrap it up there. Is there anything else you'd like to add?
Not really. It should be a romp in King Edward Park for us though.

Thanks for that Aaron, I mean Dan.
Please call me Danny.

Finals - Week 1. The Analysis

Merewether were good, Hamilton were hopeless, Maitland played above the weight of their two fat front rowers, and uni was more disappointed at not getting to second place, Again.

The young legs of Merewether got them home and Hamilton were really only ever in it for the second grade game. If Blubba was any sort of a coach he'd make the second side play on Saturday at 2:15 against the greens and make them turn out again on Sunday against Maitland. Al Quatermans Rolex was the only thing with a ticker out on the field on Saturday for Hamilton. The referee actually played a backing singers role in what Merewether turned into a second rate match. This is unusually surprising, considering his whistle is normally so loud and inconsistent it has been likened to the chord progression in a sex pistols punk song.

I had made mention that the Hamilton players were now to old to pick up older women at the exchange, as they were in the same age bracket. I wonder if their old legs got them to the Reeves' retirement home bingo night on Gordon ave after their loss. They looked old, tired and over it on the weekend. Even their young half back is bald, I think this contributed to his poor service to Wells, who in turn couldn't pass a parked car on the weekend. The greens to their credit must have found Theo's new shop at Georgetown and realised that it wasn't really a suburb where actual Rugby players would drink. All of sudden the breakdown was fixed.

Merewether were easily two classes above the Hawks. a good example of this is James Bertsos tearing his hamstring from the bone, yet completing the game and carving the opposition. He was the third best on the park behind Princehorn and Dan Garner. If anything, they showed Maitland that they will be able to easily dominate this team next week. Hamilton need to pick up some speed in the outside backs if they want to threaten this year. Maybe Blubba could walk the strip at Islington to find some, because the team they presented on the weekend had none in them. They were 'hexham' poor.

Maitland on the other hand started to show why the great Jimmy Gardner rated them number one at the start of the year.They showed why Dave Kennedy is probably the worst defensive player in the game and he made several errors of judgement. It was probably his fault they lost the game. Some supporters on the mound, even heard him yelp when the opposition came close. Uni will be disappointed they will not get to compete for second place again this year. They probably deserved to come third, but Maitland definitely surprised them and out muscled them in all areas of the park. They were more impressive than Hamilton and should beat them on Sunday.

I'm also of the belief that Wanderers have played their best game of the semis this week. The momentum they built during the season has stopped and this weekend may as well be round one for them. We all know what happened in Round 1 at Townsen Oval.

Feel free to add more. Give me predictions,form guides, and favourite players, just don't give me any more rubbish about the unicorn.