The Peter Fitzsimons Chronicles - the interview

Peter Fitzsimons - The Interview

Ah, Hi Peter, you certainly are a hard man to get hold of?
That’s what the wife says Hornet. You know my nick name in France was “baguette de pain rassis.”

Is that French?
Yes, I just said that. it means the Stale Baguette. It’s because after a few days over there they found I went hard.

OK, I’m sure that’s what it meant. Did the baguette come with cheese?
Of course not, I was cheese free in France. I’ve never been into dairy really. Growing up on an orange farm, we pretty much had orange juice to replace milk. Dad even made us have orange juice on our oranges for breakfast.

That’s right; you grew up on an orchard in Peats Ridge. What was it like for you to grow up knowing you had a ridge named after you?
Firstly it was an orange farm, it was hard, I started working on it when I was 5, dad made me get a real job when I was 12 at the servo as I was picking 2 and eating one. Also Contrary to what people think Peats ridge wasn’t named after me. My name was actually Patrick but Dad changed it because of the jokes that the boys would say to me at school.

Really, what were they?
I’d rather not say. Old demons.

Come on let me know?
You know the old joke about Patrick Fitzsimons and Simon Fitzpatricks. The one about the two gay Irishmen. Back then people didn’t realise and they probably still don’t that the name Fitzsimons is a proud one and originates from the Strongbow invasion. It’s patronymic. And the Fitz means son of.

I see. Is that why Mike Carlton didn’t take to you straight away, being related to Strongbow?
No, the reason Mike Carlton didn’t take to me is because he was probably worried that I was a little more articulate than him. You’d have to ask him but we had a good relationship in the end. Alan Jones was flogging us though. Sure he bragged about it, but it’s not the first time he’s bragged about flogging two men. But hey, I live my life and do what makes me happy, don’t know if he totally does.

Sure. Getting back to your Childhood, you attended Knox Grammar. What was it like?
Like most people that went there I am gracious to my family for working so hard to get me there. I had worked a t a petrol station since I was 12 so I paid for my books. It was surprising though to see when I got there that they fed the boys a lot of oranges, so it was just like home.

Later on in Life you went on to represent Australia in test match Rugby. Was Rugby what you lived for?
Ironically the teachers at Knox had instilled in me that this had better be my focus. I was in the dramatic society but the only thing dramatic about me was that I was over six foot, hairy on my face and already thinning on the top. Some teachers even said I couldn’t write, however, the letters I wrote to my mother, to tell her I missed her, where the inspiration that started me on my journey to get to where I am today. I didn’t really live for it, however I am proud that I could have gone toe to toe with 15 all blacks with the referee sending me off citing my play as “too dangerous.” I’d love to play with the pussies that play these days.

Pussies? Who would you consider being a pussy in World Rugby today?
The entire South African team is one. They may be big, but they are simply bullies. You can’t run without a head. Rocky Elsom, is one. Anyone with a name Rocky better know how to shape up to me. The English front row. Why they harp on about their scrum is a mystery to me. I would’ve come up through the middle and unleased on the pasty white bastards. Oh yeah and that big tall prick from France with the beard that looks like a mountain goat, Chabon. I’d rip his hair out and use it as a wig.

So you see being sent by a referee against the All blacks as good?
Yes I do. John Eales had a good send off to an all blacks match too. He retired. Fancy a lock kicking the ball.

I can see you still have a bit of a passion for the game then?
Not really no. It took me around the world, and gave me an outlook on other cultures, however writing is my passion. I think in prose, I dream in prose, I even make love to prose.

Can you talk to me about your next project?
Of course I can. It’s a situation comedy about a Rugby club called “Jesus Can’t Play Rugby.”It’s based on the famous Rugby Song. Its focus’ is on modern day amateur club Rugby and the trials and tribulations which they encounter. They are in the middle of being forced to turn professional by the governing board, they haven’t won a comp in 30 years so they enlist the help of an Argentinean named ‘Jesus,’ to come and play for them. For the uneducated in Spanish Jesus is pronounced “hey Zeus.” It’s pretty piss funny, the whole script is funny as shit.

I can see you’re excited. I guess that’s your plug so I guess that’s time to wrap things up. Thanks very much Peter, It’s been a pleasure.
Maybe we could catch up again?

Maybe.
Promise?

Put Your pinky down, I promise.